It's been a full week since Michael Jackson died, and it's taken me this long to find the words to express my thoughts about it. It's complicated.

Like so many, I feel conflicted about the man. One way or another, I'm sure most people have feelings (and probably even jokes) about his bizarre and troubled life as well as the questions surrounding his close -- or too close -- relationships with children. I have thoughts and theories, but I can't say with absolute certainty what I believe. I have no way of knowing what he did or didn't do.

What I can say for sure is that I think he needed major therapy, for many things but especially for the damage caused by his own stunted childhood and how it affected the way he looked at himself in the mirror. I wish someone had helped him before he altered his physical appearance so radically. As someone who has struggled with negative body image issues, I look at the dramatic differences in Michael Jackson photos from over the years, and I feel great sorrow for him. I wish he'd had someone in his life who could have helped him with that.

Mostly, I wish that kids today -- wow, does that make me sound old! -- knew him as the talented man I adored when I was a kid. I imagine so many just know him for his eccentricities and weird behaviors and odd plastic surgeries. That is so sad to me.

And so many of the artists in R&B today are simply emulating his style and his moves. (Even Justin Timberlake, who would probably be the first to admit Michael influenced him). Of course, Jackson himself got a lot of his stuff from James Brown, but he was only five years old at the time and already had so much natural talent, so there's just no comparison.

He was a phenomenal dancer, gliding across the floor like liquid, bending and contorting like smooth putty. His videos were innovative for their time, so amazing and fascinating to watch (during a period when MTV actually was about music and performance instead of excessive reality TV crap), and his music was undeniably outstanding... when he was a kid with the Jackson 5, when he was starting out as a solo artist, and by the time he hit his stride with Off The Wall and Thriller. I know it's been a while since he's been in the scene, but I can't imagine the music world without him.

I still remember sitting on the floor at my grandma's house, glued to the television set, watching the Motown 25th Anniversary special with my older sister, seeing him moonwalk for the first time and hearing the crowd gasp and cheer with delight. We played that "Billie Jean" performance over and over again, just to watch him move.

My sister was such a huge fan -- she had posters of him on our bedroom closet doors (the kind where his eyes were focused outward but everywhere you went, it seemed like he was looking at you, LOL), and she would tape countless TV specials about him and we would watch them over and over again.

I was too young to know him from the J5, but watching clips of his performances of "Who's Lovin' You?" astounded me. He was only five or six years old, yet he had such depth of expression, singing that bluesy song.

I also remember when the "We Are The World" single came out, and the local news interviewed my sister as she purchased it, on either an audio cassette tape or a 45, no less!

I watched all his music videos, each outstanding in its own right, but who could forget "Thriller"? I believe it was the first of its kind to be short-film length; as a story and as a music-and-dance vid, it was such a remarkable creative project.

And it scared the crap out of me.

(Hey, I was only, like, eleven or twelve, okay? And I was a very sensitive child. Okay, maybe the right phrase would be "big chicken baby." Shaddup. You want a piece of me?)

Anyway, I remember jumping in absolute terror when his head jerked up, his eyes all demon yellow, and his voice suddenly changed from his usual soft tenor to that angry, distorted bass as he yelled "Go away!" And my sister milked that... boy oh boy, did she love to scare me with that video. She used to play the song all the time, which was fine; I liked the song. It was the transformation section of the video that scared me. And at the end of the final scene, Michael looks at the screen and smiles this wicked smile and his eyes turn yellow again, and it just made me shudder. So Lisa would come up to me at unexpected moments and she would widen her eyes like Michael did, and get in my face and laugh like Vincent Price, until I either kicked her or yelled "Mo-ooommm, tell Lisa to leave me alone!" (Heee.) I'm a grown woman, I know there are no monsters in my closet -- at least, unless you believe the show Supernatural, heh -- but I nevertheless have to steel myself if I sit down to watch that video, because so many fearful childhood feelings rise up, like I'm still 11 freaking years old.

But the biggest thing for me was when Michael and his brothers had their Victory tour. On a total lark, my dad entered a contest for concert tickets (at Burger King, I think), and he actually won. But because the tickets turned out to be for the Detroit performance, and since he wasn't familiar with that area, he refused to take us. Plus, there was the matter of there being only two tickets. My brother was too little to go, my mom didn't really care to go, but my sister and I both desperately wanted to go. If my dad used one of the tickets, that meant he would have to choose between his two daughters, and there was no way. No way were we going to get this close to seeing Michael Jackson perform live and end up stuck at home. I remember we begged and pleaded for him to come up with a solution so we could both go. I remember saying, "Why did you enter this contest if you didn't know how you would handle it if you won? Were you really going to make one of us stay home?" And he simply laughed, "I honestly didn't think I was going to win." Ultimately, I think he sold those tickets, and he relented to our pleading by purchasing new ones for the Chicago venue, and the three of us went. The seats were in one of the nosebleed sections, but it didn't matter. The girl who sat next to us -- I recall Jermaine was her favorite Jackson -- convinced us to venture down for a better view. Her dad and our dad kept an eye on us from a distance, while the three of us ran down a few levels and stood against the railings. All I remember from that night was staying up very late, dancing manically, and watching both the stage and the big screen monitors in enormous awe. It was incredibly entertaining and exciting. He was a tireless, inspiring performer. (And even more thrilling -- that night, he ended up staying at the hotel for which my uncle was reservations manager, so my uncle got my sister Michael's autograph. Yeah, just my sister, not one for me, not that I'm bitter or anything. *GRIN*)

I confess, I haven't listened to his music regularly in years, but I feel sad about the news of his death. I believe the first words out of my mouth were, "No freaking way!" The more I thought about it, the more I felt like a large portion of my childhood had just died. It just feels so strange.

Therefore, tonight, I thought I'd honor Michael Jackson the musician.

Do any of you have favorite MJ tunes?

Here are some of mine:

( 'Cause this is Thriller! Whoo! )

As Michael would say, "Go with it. Jam!"

Thanks for strolling down memory lane with me tonight.

:D

Because I am having too much fun playing with this 'five words' writing exercise, and southoffebruary just started one for The X-Files over in her LJ, here...

Listed below for your entertainment are a few of my own five-word X-Files drabbles.

Dana Scully, season 1:
I'm not ready to believe.

Fox Mulder, "Paper Hearts":
Safety: curved against Scully's hip.

Alex Krycek:
I'm never what you think.

Because I insist that this particular West Wing season 7 plot was a CROCK and there was no way Toby did what they said he did, I follow up last night's Five Words Drabble-a-thon with these additional quickies...


Toby Ziegler: Innocent. He will be vindicated.


And a double drabble follow-up to that. (Whoo! Ten whole words!)

CJ Cregg: She should have trusted him. She was his best friend.


P.S. A big thank you to all who responded so kindly and encouragingly to the first round of these. ♥

Because it's late, I can't sleep, and I want to play along...

As seen in krazykitkat's LJ post, found here:

five word west wing drabble-a-thon

The rules are simple. Only five words. Encapsulate a character, pairing or moment in any way you want.

I give you my humble, half-awake ramblings on these West Wing characters. Five words for ...

( CJ Cregg: dry-witted press secretary and statuesque goddess )

( President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet & Toby Ziegler: two complicated, stubborn men who respect each other most of all. )

( Josh Lyman and Leo McGarry: 'Because that's what sons do for old friends of their fathers.' )

( CJ Cregg and Toby Ziegler: the best of friends. )

( Toby, Toby, Toby... )


In the light of morning and a more energized brain, I'll probably hate most of these and wish I could have done better. I only wish I could pay tribute to these wonderful characters even more.

♥

Exercise O' Happiness. Yesterday was Day 6.

Usually this meme lasts about a week and this is my Day 7, so I'm not sure if I'll keep this going or let it simmer again and return to it the next time I either get tagged or simply feel like I need some extra vitamin P (for positivity, heh). We'll see how I feel tomorrow. *smiles*

In the meantime... here's what made me happy today.

Watching episodes of Bones.

I know, I know. Shocking, right? I've been quite verbal over in the daysofourbones and 206_bones communities about how frustrated I've been with this past season of the show. From my view, the two main characters have been forced out-of-character in order to fit overly wacky scenarios; stories and emotional connections have been started but left without decent follow-through; and it's lost some of the heart it used to have. I could give example after example of how the writing has changed, to the show's detriment, in the past season and a half.

However, this meme is all about positivity and joy, so today I feel it's important to express what I love about this show. For the last two days, I've been re-watching episodes from the first season and recapturing my affection for all the characters and some of the wonderful episodes that impressed and moved me. It's like wrapping myself up in a warm, familiar blanket.

The first four episodes of Season 1 had moments of amusement and curiosity, establishing personalities and tidbits of back history for each character, but didn't really grab me in an overall sense. Though I will admit that Brennan's stories about each victim and what she could learn about them based on their bones fascinated me, and Hodgins' "I am the warrior" speech in 1x04 still gets me giggling, it wasn't until episode five that I knew I wanted to keep watching this show and that I was invested in each and every one of these characters.

I was already in love with the lab "squints" -- Jack, Zack and Angela -- whose characters were vivid and surprisingly well-established, given that they were considered secondary roles and not all shows provide much texture to their sidekicks. So that added depth was astonishing and impressive to me.

However, while I was charmed by David Boreanaz in his lead role as Special Agent Seeley Booth, I admit I wasn't immediately enthralled by the titular character Dr. Temperance "Bones" Brennan, try as I might to appreciate her brashness, fierce independence and awkward social manner. I felt like the first four episodes tried to force me to like her, over-explaining her issues and her backstory, rather than showing me why I should be impressed by and empathetic to her as a lead character. And the writers kept including traits that I think they meant to be cute or funny, but I happened to find irritating.

Example: when in the field, she often ignored Booth's instructions, plowing into danger with no demonstrative regard for her safety or his, jumping into the fray simply because she felt she could handle herself. That pissed me off, because there's being brave and capable, and then there's being foolish and dismissing the abilities and experience of her partner, an FBI agent and former soldier. When he says, "Stay back," you should stay the hell back and let him go in first. It's not an affront to your feminist capabilities or your intelligence; it has everything to do with the fact that you're a scientist from a lab while he's a trained federal agent.

At any rate, my views of Brennan changed drastically when I saw episode five, "The Boy in the Bush." The writers presented her as a much more well-rounded, sympathetic character. She wasn't just a quirky oddball who's spent too much time in the lab examining dead bodies and not enough time out in the world, connecting with live people. Instead, throughout this episode they managed to solidify her trust in her partner Booth and move her character forward, revealing something new and emotionally effective about her that fit beautifully within the construct of the heart-breaking story about a young foster kid whose body was found in a field. Not only that, but the episode managed to reveal a little something about each and every character, even the sidekicks. Everyone had a purpose, everyone had a specific reaction to the case they were investigating, and each person was illuminated in fruitful ways. I was moved by the story and all of the characters, and felt the episode was balanced, touching, and well-written. It made me want to know more about each and every person on the show. It made me want to know what would happen next. I generally liked the first four episodes, but I found I really loved episode five. It's unquestionably worth a watch.

This week I'll continue to revisit the first season of Bones, and I genuinely look forward to watching the episodes that show these characters growing and developing and connecting with each other, becoming a well-oiled machine of an investigative team and, more importantly, an odd yet marvelous sort of family.

That quality in a TV show is something that brings a big smile to my face. That's what impresses and moves me, and that's definitely something that makes me happy.

For your evening's entertainment, here are two of the many little quotes from that episode that always amuse me:

HODGINS: When you write, you get this stunned look on your face like you stuck a fork in a toaster.


BRENNAN: They gave me a car.
HODGINS: Nice. Who?
BRENNAN: My publisher. Now I feel like I have to earn it by writing another book.
HODGINS: Fight coercion in all its forms. You don’t write the book, I don’t go to the banquet. Solidarity.


*GRIN*

Joy to all of you, my friends. *hugs*

Apparently I'm a bit of a wuss tonight.

House-and-dogsitting by myself all week at my brother's. This house is so big and quiet, and it's so dark outside... I'm freaking myself out. Somebody hold me.

Hee. I'll be okay. I think.

o_O

Okay, so I really, really wanted a Tenth Doctor/David Tennant user pic, and darling, generous greatbriton gave me the opportunity to ask for one when she posted this meme in her LiveJournal.

In fact, she went well beyond the call of duty because she let me make suggestion after suggestion, and then she let me send her some photos, all so she could make me what I envisioned in my crazy little mind. In fact, I told her she should change her name to "ReallyfreakingawesomeBriton" because "great" no longer covered how wonderful she's been. But she wisely decided to keep her user name, because that's really long and tiring to type. *GRIN*

Anyway, the meme she used stated that the first ten people to comment to her post would get a customized icon of their choosing. In return, the requester has to post the same meme in their journal and offer to do something creative that they enjoy (like writing fiction, or making icons, or whatever).

GreatBriton made me some fun user pics (see above for one of them, whoo!), so it's my turn to offer something of myself. I can't make cool icons, I don't have the tools or knowledge for such a thing, but I can offer something else:

I can write for you.

Therefore, the first TEN people to comment in this post (heh, my chatty replies will not be included in the count) get to request a writing of their choosing from me. It can be a review/commentary of a favorite television episode, or it can be a piece of fanfiction. If it's fiction, you can even suggest a pairing, or name an individual character you'd prefer I focus on. (Within reason. I have a small handful of things I won't write, but I'm generally flexible.) Who knows? Your requests may help me jump-start my creative writing muse, which is always a good thing.

Fandoms I can do:

The X-Files, The West Wing, Supernatural, Bones, NCIS, or Prison Break. Firefly, possibly.

I can even try Farscape or Doctor Who, but I'm new to those shows so I don't know how strong the character voices will be (I'd have to take the time to watch some episodes and try to get them into my head, in order to do them right).


I can't promise anything extraordinarily lengthy (after all, ten stories and/or reviews is a lot to put together and it will obviously take me some time), but I will do my very best to write something (one hopes) entertaining and interesting for you to read.

I don't like when memes force you to post in your own journal, so if you request something from me and don't feel that you have the time or creative interest to offer something to your own f-list, don't feel obligated to post this in your journal.

However, if you are motivated to give it a try in a way that you can offer, go for it. The possibilities are out there: fiction, drabbles, icons, vids, meta, whatever you like! I'd love to see what you may be inspired to create.

So. greatbriton did such an amazing job and was so generous with her time that I offer her first crack at suggesting something she'd like me to write. (Briton, I don't believe it will occur, but if ten people happen to post before you, don't feel like you can't suggest something -- I will make the time to write for you, no matter what! I owe you big for all the work you put in to make those icons for me. *hugs*)

As for the rest of you... what may I do for you? :)

My dear friend coffee_imp has been going absolutely mad trying to finish sewing her own wedding dress in time, so a few of us got together for a fun "crafting day" on Sunday. I have no crafting abilities so I was not any help with sewing, but I hope I helped her keep her sanity with some fun conversations and lots of laughing.

And I brought cupcakes. Nothing says "I love you" like baked goods. *GRIN*

Homemade cupcakes.

And in a move that might've done Emily Deschanel proud, they were even vegan cupcakes and icings. From a really cool cookbook hilariously entitled "Vegan Cupcakes Take Over The World", by Isa Chandra Moskowitz. Come on, how awesome is that?

I chose two different recipes, and they were really fun to make:

1) The Basic Chocolate Cupcake, topped with Rich Chocolate Ganache Topping

and

2) The Crimson Velveteen Cupcake, topped with Old-Fashioned Velvet Icing

The red velvet cupcake came out a bit burgundy -- I think the measurement for the red food coloring may have been a bit too much. Next time I may try it with less and see if it comes out more bright red instead of brick red. Still yummy, though.

And that chocolate ganache was fascinatingly vegan, wickedly fun to spread on each cupcake, and totally delicious.

I'm saying, you'd never guess these were vegan cupcakes. I can't wait to try another recipe!

Click the link below for pictures of my process and final product. Hey, I never said I was an excellent decorator. That was the very best I could do. (Heee.)

( Baking is FUN! )

So, I've never posted TV, book, or film commentary directly to my personal LiveJournal. I usually just post my general thoughts to specifically themed communities and chat back and forth with the comm members, rather than post about it here. Mostly because I imagine not everyone reading my LJ watches the same programs as I do, so they might not have a frame of reference for what I'm talking about.

However, I recently worked really hard to create a presentation of my thoughts regarding this particular episode of Bones, "The Salt in the Wounds," so if you all don't mind, I thought I'd post my observations about it here. Read it if you feel so inclined. Otherwise, no worries. It's merely a place for me to express myself.

( It was a moment. A great moment, but like all great moments... it passed. )

Now here's something fun! Borrowed from my friends coffee_imp aka "The Fancy Monocled Spork" and lylyan aka "The Strange Slicing Steel."

I am...




Let's get out there and kick some ass, ladies!

;)


Get your own at The Hero Factory

A belated birthday gift for my friend willowwood.

I'm so sorry it's late *hangs head in shame* but I promise you, I've been writing my heart out to get this done as soon as possible. I'm a perfectionist, sweetie... it'll never be good enough, but it's the very best I could do at this time, in my journey to learn more and become a better writer.

Most importantly, if you enjoy it, I will have accomplished what I set out to do. I hope you had a magnificent day.

( Give Me Something )


Happy Birthday, Willowwood!

Someone out there loves me, and I wanna know who!

*GRIN*

Okay, seriously now. This week I got an email from LiveJournal, alerting me that I had received an anonymous gift of paid LJ account time.

I can't even ... what a wonderfully thoughtful, generous present. You, whoever you are, sweet kind loving mysterious angel. I wish I could offer you something from my heart in return. I wish I could find the right words to express my appreciation. I don't know what possessed you, but I humbly thank you.

♥

*sending love into the universe for my enigmatic benefactor*

To the lovely lostakasha on the occasion of her birthday.

Sincerest apologies... I haven't written in ages, and this attempt was the best I could do under the influence of cold medication and a cloudy brain.

P.S. I'll fill in the headers later, after you've read the piece. I don't want to give away anything! (Not that it should be that challenging to piece together. *GRIN*)

For your reading pleasure (I hope!)...

( Meet Cute )


HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AF!

I despise New Year's Resolutions.

Let me rephrase.

If you find focus in setting resolutions, if you find them helpful, if you like making them: Excellent! Marvelous! Terrific! I sincerely salute you, I cheer you on, I support you in your endeavors with whatever you need.

However, for me personally...

*pause momentarily as I get up on my soap box*

... I despise New Year's Resolutions.

Let me explain.

I think they're negative. You start off thinking about all the things you don't like about yourself, the parts you want to change, or the things you wish you had accomplished, and you pick yourself apart and declare what you're going to do to make yourself 'better' next year. You don't stop to see any attributes. You don't appreciate yourself. Instead, you resolve to 'fix' yourself.

Then you try to stick to that rigid list of resolutions, most of which are impossible to maintain 24/7 all year 'round, and when you aren't able to, you feel horrible and berate yourself for being weak or lazy or somehow incapable. You promise you'll do better again next year, and the stupid, ugly cycle continues.

How is that helpful? What does that really accomplish? How is that a positive start for the new year?

How about we try something different?

***********

How about we take the end of the year to acknowledge what we did accomplish, whatever the task, no matter how big or small?

How about we set smart, reasonable, personal goals (not resolutions!) which can be reached in logical, attainable steps?

How about we look at ourselves in loving ways?

How about we take time to appreciate who we are, how far we've come, and what we look like, for better or for worse, as we are right now?

How about we seek out the magnificence and beauty in others and in ourselves?

How about we shower our friends, family, and loved ones with abundant kindness and care?

How about we pay attention to what people need?

How about we give ourselves that same nurturing?

How about we start the year by celebrating each other's wonderful qualities? Validation, anyone? How about it?

***********

2008 has been difficult for so many. Why start off 2009 with enormous pressure? Why not start the new year in the most positive, generous, encouraging mode? Wouldn't that be the stronger, more loving choice?

Therefore, I say we ditch the dreaded New Year's Resolutions and start something much more powerful and joy-filled! Who's with me?

Okay, let me start.

Most of you know that this year pretty much sucked for me. I've spent a lot of it feeling pretty damn low. I lost my job last year and have spent the better part of 2008 looking for a new one. In this economy, in this challenging job climate, I've felt disillusioned and disconnected. I've felt pathetic, unwanted, unappreciated and near worthless. As a result, I spent the year treating myself as if I were. I sank deeply into the muck and entrenched myself there. I did not remember to look myself in the eye every morning and appreciate how far I've come and how hard I've worked and all that I've learned. I did not pause to breathe deeply and nurture myself through the rough patches. I did not remember to treat myself or my body with care and kindness. I did not fill my mind with positive or loving thoughts.

Not a pretty picture, is it?

The point is, I'm not going to perpetuate that ugliness anymore. I'm not going to shred myself to bits by setting resolutions for what's 'wrong' with me. I think I've spent this entire year thinking that and doing that, and it does not help.

Instead...

I acknowledge that I've spent the year stuck in the mud. I will pay better attention to my feelings, and engage in my own life.

I acknowledge that I tried really hard to find a job. During my interviews, I arrived well-prepared and presented myself in the very best, smartest ways I could. The rest was out of my hands. I will not berate myself for what I cannot control.

I acknowledge that I did not take care of myself -- mind or body -- this entire year. I dismissed my own pain and buried it through ignoring and through unhealthy eating. I do not feel well because of it. I breathe deeply and look upon myself honestly yet lovingly. I will be more aware of inner negative thoughts about myself. I will pay attention to when and why those ugly thoughts occur, reeling them in and discarding them as cruel, unnecessary, and unproductive. I will remember what's good and lovely about me, without feeling like a self-centered ass.

I will include and savor music, writing, reading and other forms of creativity in my life, because I know those are joys that sustain and fill me. I will not feel guilty for enjoying them. They are not indulgences; they are spiritual and personal necessities.

I greatly appreciate the family members who gave me safe haven at a time when I really needed it. Thank you for giving me space yet giving me open arms, whenever I needed them.

To my friends -- both local and online -- I adore you and envelop you with enormous, squishy hugs and immense gratitude. Thank you for listening when I needed it. Thank you for being so kind to me, even when I was being impossible. Thank you for encouraging me to voice my opinions and be myself. Thank you for embracing me (literally or 'virtually') whenever I needed a hug. Thank you for loving me even when I couldn't see anything loveable or remarkable about myself. Thank you for reminding me when I forget that I do have talents and brains and abilities. Thank you for being so wonderful! I love you.

To myself -- I am so sorry I have neglected you all year. I'm sorry I have treated you like shit. You are worth more than you know. You are better and stronger than you think. Don't forget that.

Breathe deeply and exhale... 2008 is over. The new year begins. No matter what happens, you forge ahead. Things will get better and better. You will kick some ass, you will have great fun, you will take care of and nurture yourself, and you will have a fantastic year.

That goes for all of you!

May 2009 be a year of great joy and abundance. Much love and respect to you all.

Happy New Year, everyone!

MERRY HAPPY HOLIDAYCHRISTMAKWANZUKAH SOLSTICE!

(I think that should cover it all. *GRIN*)

This is it! The last of the daily joy posts! For now, anyway. I may try to pop in and post positivity just for fun every once in a while. You know, it's good for my mental health. And yours, I hope. ;)

I need to type this up before the onslaught of family members arrives. They're on their way! Once they are here, there is no way I'll be able to get on the computer. It will be chaos. (Usually fun chaos, but chaos, nevertheless.)

Therefore, let's get to it, shall we?

Our week in review: Day 1. Day 2. Day 3. Day 4. Day 5. Day 6.


DAY 7

* A purple iPod nano. An overwhelmingly generous collective gift from my grandmother and my aunts Marilyn and Suzanne. There's no snowball's chance in hell I'll be able to fit all the music I own onto that thing (I think it stores about 8GB?), but I'm not about to tell them that. *laughing uproariously* That's what happens when you're a musician. You own too many CDs, can't possibly put them all in storage. Maybe I will have to pick and choose my utmost favorite songs. Maybe it will teach me moderation. Heh. Right. Still, it's soooo pretty and really cool. I cannot wait to play with this thing. Yay for techno gadgets! *does happy dance of joy*

* Toby Ziegler. (In honor of the man, see user pic for this post.) He's the main featured character in my favorite episode from The West Wing, a crown jewel entitled "In Excelsis Deo." Because of Richard Schiff's meticulously complex portrayal of Toby, I began to look at his character in a new light. He wasn't the stereotypical cantankerous crab he could have been in lesser hands. Under Schiff's care, Toby was fierce, frustrated, brilliant, professional, intelligent, honorable, funny (yes, really), saucy (only with CJ), and sadly, quietly self-loathing. And cantankerous. Heh. He expected the best of himself and of his President, and he gave everything to his work. ("It couldn't have gone far, right? Somewhere in this building ... is our talent.")

And in that Christmas-themed episode, the way he fought for the proper military burial of the homeless stranger who happened to be wearing the coat he donated to Goodwill, the way he cringed to even admit that he might have some influence and 'power' in order to help the dead man's brother, the way he stutteringly apologized to the President for using his name in order to make it all happen, he broke my heart. I also fell a little bit in love with him. I think even President Bartlet sees his brilliance:

"I couldn't live without you, Toby. I mean it. I'd be in the tall grass; I'd be in the weeds. I know I disappoint you sometimes. I mean, I can sense your disappointment. And I only get mad because I know you're right a lot of the times, but you are not the kid in the class with his hand up and whatever it was you said to C.J. You are a wise and brilliant man, Toby..."

~ The West Wing, "The Crackpots and These Women"

Toby stirred up and reinvigorated my interest in creative writing. He was the inspiration for my very first piece of fan fiction ever. In fact, before I started browsing for info about The West Wing, I didn't even know what fan fic was.

And that show was my first foray into everything online. Just because I wanted to know more about the show and its characters, I discovered this bizarre, amazing world of people, communities chatting and conversing and discussing and analyzing, and it was marvelous. They made me feel so welcome. And that security gave me the confidence to branch out and search for sites and communities for other favorite programs of mine. It's what eventually brought me to bardsmaid's astoundingly spot-on X-Files fiction, and more importantly, a marvelous, rewarding friendship with her. (Seriously, our emails are often epic-length. We've scaled back, but no matter the length of the mail, I savor every word.) It's what brought me to bond with the people on TJ Thyne's site, where I've made some lovely and entertaining friendships. It's what brought me to 'meet' lostakasha, whom I have come to treasure madly. (We're still getting to know each other, but our friendship extends well beyond general fandom discussions, and I am so grateful for that. And jazzed to keep our rich conversations jamming.)

I guess what I'm trying to say in a roundabout way is, I'm so glad to know you or chat with you or have these wonderful, in-depth conversations with you. In different ways, you all inspire me. And yes, you bring me great joy.

Which brings me to this...

* Family, in all its definitions. Your biological family, who drive you nuts but are still endearing and wacky and surprising and wonderful. *LOVES* Your online community friends, who let you rant and rave and cheer and go on about the minute details of all things. They may never meet you, they may not even know what you look like, but they 'see' you and 'get' you and appreciate you all the same. *LOVES* Your best friends, who know you better than anybody and remind you why you're lovable and offer care and support and encouragement and wild hilarious fun. *LOVES*

I hope each and every one of you has a beautiful holiday, and I wish for you the most astoundingly fantastic new year.

Merry Christmas!

It's Christmas Eve!

(Well, here in Illinois.)


*waves and sends holiday cheer to friends already in the Christmas Day time zones*

I think it will be a bit of a challenge to steal away sometime tomorrow and post when my family is here, but I'll do my best. We're coming up on the end of this daily posting (I'm not used to this!). In the meantime, here are my happy thoughts thus far:

Day 1. Day 2. Day 3. Day 4. Day 5.

And on the eve of this year's holiday:


DAY 6

* Christmas Eve supper with my grandmother and aunts. We got creative: scrambled eggs and blueberry pancakes. And they were goooooood.

* The itch of anticipation. My family's coming tomorrow, and I'm really looking forward to seeing them. (Say it with me: I will not get into an argument with my mother, I will not get into an argument with my mother...) Seriously, I am excitedly looking forward to spending time with everyone and especially can't wait to see my nephew and nieces, watching their faces light up with excitement for the holiday and the gifts and games and sledding on the hill across from Grandma's house. They make everything brighter.

* Time to myself as my aunts and grandma left for an hour or two this evening. I just sat in the living room for a little while, gazing at the beautiful multi-colored lights on the Christmas tree, savoring the silence. Contentment.

* Christmas coloring. Okay, let me explain this one.

There's a tradition we have on my dad's side of the family. We color. With crayons. :D

Many years ago on a delightful whim, my aunts -- my dad's twin sisters -- bought a gigantic, Christmas-themed coloring book. We're talking a couple hundred pages worth of pictures to color: images of Santa and his reindeer; Mrs. Claus baking cookies; kids playing outside in the snow; kids with toys; kids ice skating or sledding or opening gifts; trees decorated with ribbons and ornaments and great big stars; even pages depicting the 12 Days of Christmas (a partridge in a pear tree, three French hens, five golden rings, eight maids a-milkin', etc.).

Every year, whenever we're at my grandmother's house, at different times throughout the holiday weekend we each sit down with that big book and take turns coloring a page from it. Everyone, even my grandmother, joins in on the fun, and you can tell when my sister and brother each got married because their spouses started coloring pictures in the book in the years shortly after those weddings occurred.

It's fun to leaf through the book because you can see the variety of personalities through each person's coloring style. Some like to use light shades, others use bright primary colors or rich, deep jewel tones. Some like to color with long lines, others with circular strokes. Some color the images quickly and loosely while others fill in almost every square inch precisely and painstakingly. Everyone chooses different color palettes. After a while, you can almost tell whose picture is whose, based on the way it was colored. And for record's sake, when we're done coloring, we sign or initial the page so everyone knows who colored it and in what year. Just like art. Well, crayon art. *GRIN*

This afternoon before lunch, my aunt teasingly reminded me to take my turn, so I completed my annual picture -- in fact, I went ahead and did two pictures, for I am prolific, haha -- then I joined her in the kitchen and announced, "My work is complete. Now I need a sandwich, for the artiste is hungry." Heee.

At any rate, it's a fun, childlike, marvelously creative way to mark the passage of time in our family. And now that my sister has two kids, and my brother has one, perhaps we can get them to play! Expand the portfolio! ;)

Let me tell you, it is tough to find pure joy within or feel happy when you are not feeling well! *groans* Oh, for a good night's sleep. Nevertheless, I press on.

Previously: Day 1. Day 2. Day 3. Day 4.

What made me happy today?


DAY 5

* Warm tea, wonderfully soothing for a raw, sore throat.

* A blessed five minutes when I'm not coughing and can actually rest. (Still working on extending this one, but I did have moments today.)

* My aunts doing all the snow shoveling today so I wouldn't have to go outside in the cold, snowy weather. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

* How The Grinch Stole Christmas! The children's animated holiday special from 1966 had its annual airing tonight, and it's as fun as ever. One of my favorites.

First of all, you can just chew on the text written by Dr. Seuss:

"You're a crooked jerky jockey
And you drive a crooked horse,
Mr. Grinch.
You're a three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich
With arsenic sauce."

Awesome. *GRIN*

Secondly, not only do we have Cindy Lou Who, with her big blue doe eyes, and the adorable yet underappreciated Max the dog, but we've got the wicked Grinch with his marvelous Jack Benny-like slow burn expressions, every morsel deliciously narrated by the rich, dark, deep-voiced Boris Karloff. How cool is that? And let us not forget to recognize the uncredited singer Thurl "Tony the Tiger" Ravenscroft, who sings the show's classic tune, "You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch."

And finally, the most sentimental part of all. I know it's potentially cheesy, but the ending lines of the program's poem still move me:

"Christmas Day is in our grasp
So long as we have hands to clasp.
Christmas Day will always be
Just as long as we have we.
Welcome Christmas
While we stand
Heart to heart
And hand in hand."

As tonight's calendar shifts to Christmas Eve, I hope you are all warm and safe and filled with love and cheer.

Almost forgot to post tonight!

I've been suffering a nasty something-or-other since last Friday (body aches and an incredibly annoying cough) and all I could think of was taking some medicine and getting to bed. Was just reading the directions on the bottle when I remembered. So here I am. Happy, happy, joy, joy! ;)

Then: Day 1. Day 2. Day 3.

Now:

DAY 4

* Hot chai tea with vanilla soy milk. So soothing and warm for my throat, and it smells and tastes like liquid pumpkin pie! What's not to love? Once, my friend (the lovely Lady Amanda) was making up silly haikus and emailing them to me, and I sent her one as an "Ode to Chai Tea." Regrettably, I cannot find the email in which I wrote that fascinating poem, but I'm telling ya, it was inspired! (Heh.) I know I have it saved as a printout somewhere; someday I'll post it for you. I know... you can hardly stand the suspense, right?

* Supernatural's "Nightshifter" episode. It's hilarious, especially Sam's exasperated protest to the paranoid, Lone Gunmen-like, night watchman Ronald: "We're not workin' for the mandroid!" Heeee. There's a brief shot in which the lighting and camera work make Milwaukee look like Gotham City, and I mean that in an impressive sense. It's Milwaukee, for crying out loud! (I exclaim as someone who grew up in Green Bay.) They made it look so cool! It's also a marvelously tense episode, with a terrific twist at the end. And the final minute is perfection: the denouement is captured brilliantly using a soft, tell-tale heartbeat blended to match the percussion in the fittingly chosen and excellently cued a capella music (the opening strains of Styx' "Renegade"), just as Dean sums up the results of the episode with a marvelous understatement. "We are so screwed." A fantastic episode all around. I rewatched it earlier today, and I was once again delighted.

* lylyan getting on board the Happy Train! Whoo! *rubs hands together wickedly* Yessss, beautiful one, join meeeeee! *hugs B*

And most especially, as I watch the news tonight and hear about all the reports of homeless people stuck outside in this freezing, bitterly cold weather...

* I am so grateful to have a safe, warm home in which to live, and I hope all the people who are suffering tonight are reached by the wonderful workers who are desperately trying to bring them in from the cold. Be well.

Day 1. Day 2.

On with the fun!


DAY 3

* Last night I watched a movie with my aunts and we sat on the floor, eating popcorn and drinking ice-cold root beer. I found myself suddenly flashing back to Saturdays when I was a little kid: after my sister, brother and I each had our baths, Mom would park us in our jammies on the floor in the middle of the living room. While she went off to take her own bath, Dad would pop up a massive bowl (the family-famous big yellow bowl) of popcorn and give us Kool-Aid (yes, I drank the Kool-Aid, heh). We would sit and watch The Love Boat (yes, really), and munch away happily. On the popcorn, not the cheese emanating from the TV program. Ha! Just kidding, Captain Stubing! Anchors away! Meet you on the Ledo deck! Ah, happy memories.

* "The 12 Days of Christmas" as sung by John Denver and the Muppets. That Miss Piggy, ever the drama queen. "Five... gooooool-dennnn... riiiiiiiings! Bah-da dum dum!" *giggles* And I adore Fozzy Bear.

* Cozy, warm, flannel sheets. Sweet god in heaven, they make the most luxurious, toasty cocoon. I wake up in the morning, all snuggled in, and never want to exit the covers.

* The sound of the wind raging outside. It's frickin' freezing out there (4 degrees below zero but feels like minus 28 with the wind chill)! Nevertheless, it's safe and warm indoors, and I love listening to the powerful wind and watching the snow flying sideways at 30 miles per hour. Cooooool. ;)

I'm going to make this a quick post because I feel a cold coming on and I'm all achy and just want to get cozy under the covers and fall asleep, but I promised I'd write for seven days, and I am going to do it! ;)

For the uninformed, here's the original explanatory post about what I'm doing here: Day 1. All caught up? Alrighty, let's commence with the next list o' happiness.


DAY 2

* Made dinner for my aunts and grandmother tonight. Shrimp cooked with garlic, ginger, soy sauce, and a touch of olive oil. Served with brown rice and broccoli. Quick, easy and fun to cook; yummy to eat. They liked it, so I'm happy.

* Pumpkin body butter. I smell like pie. (Hey, is it true that a quick way to capture a man's heart is to smell like food? I wonder which one Jensen Ackles would like better -- eau de pot roast or étouffée? Heeee. Kidding! I just like saying the word étouffée. It amuses me. Look at me, I'm suddenly Cajun. Okay, forget it. Besides, I'd rather smell like scrumptious pie.)

* Meryl Streep. I'm catching up on my reading and came across EW's December 5 interview with this marvelous woman. Not only is she enormously talented, but in the interview (as well as every time I've ever seen her on television) she comes across as bold, intelligent, hilarious, and delightfully honest. And her picture on the cover of the magazine is gorgeous. I admire her.

* Carrie Fisher. She's got a new autobiography entitled Wishful Drinking. Heh. It got a great write-up this week in the Trib, and a complimentary B+ review -- would that be a B+ "positive" review? sorry, just kidding -- in EW (same issue as the Meryl Streep interview). It sounds very funny. I don't know what it is about Carrie, her dry sarcasm, her willingness to laugh at her wacky Princess Leia hair style, her brazen honesty (again with the strong women, yay!)... whatever it is, I just think she's cool.


Annnnnd gimme some vitamin C and a few ibuprofen. I'm off to bed. Sweet dreams, everyone!